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How to Apologize without Losing Your Pride
By Administration | September 28, 2007
It’s not a new thing: you get into an argument with your spouse, and you lose your cool, and before you know it, you are seeing red. You might say some things that you didn’t mean, or perhaps even some things with the intention of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Unless you want to leave your relationship (regardless of what type it is) permanently damaged, at some point you are going to have to apologize.
How do you do it without losing your “pride”?
1) Know when it’s over. Dragging an argument on too long will almost always result in the argument transforming from what it was originally about into something entirely different. How many times has a disagreement about how to spend that extra $500 you miraculously found turned into how much you hate the way they snore?
If you’re trying to make a point, and it just isn’t getting through, it may be a good idea to lay it to rest. Say something like “We clearly do not agree on this, but why don’t we take a bit of time to clear our heads and talk about something else?” Saying something to that effect in a calm, neutral tone avoids further hostility and invites a more productive conversation. Just make sure that when you shift topics you don’t go from how much you hate their snoring to why they need to shower more.
2) Recognize that their opinion matters. Sure, maybe they are completely wrong, but that may only be by your standards. Unless your argument is about why 1 + 1 = 2, there is usually never a concrete and absolute answer. Remember that nearly everything appears different to different people.
The key to effective communication is about equality. Ask people what their number one pet peeve is when they are talking to someone and it’s probably going to have to do with the other person belittling them- no one wants to feel stupid, and making them feel that way certainly won’t bring about the kind of reaction that you want.
Saying things like “I understand what you are saying and I’m trying my best to see your viewpoint” shows the other person that you really are trying to understand where they are coming from and that you actually care about their viewpoint. This may make the other person feel validated, and it may even reduce tension (the other person might drop their defenses a little bit).
If you are talking about something deeply personal or controversial, your opinion is just that; the other person’s opinion might (and probably will) be very different from yours. Showing the other person that you respect their opinion is one of the most crucial ways to avoid an argument outright.
3) Apologize with sincerity. Don’t sneer when you say that you’re sorry- mean it. If you are apologizing, it is because you recognize that you’ve hurt someone else’s feelings or have offended them somehow.
Saying something like “I’m sorry that I got angry (or frustrated, upset, whatever you were), and I hope that we can come to some kind of resolution. Please understand that I do value our relationship and I don’t want this argument to affect it” shows that you care and have a reason to apologize, as well as showing that you do want to find a resolution. There’s no pride lost in showing another person that you care about and respect them.
A lot of people feel that apologizing is “giving in,” and it is that kind of attitude that will only raise tensions. Apologizing because you were yelling or because you offended someone doesn’t make you a weak person- it makes you an empathetic one.
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