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Conflict Resolution: When is an argument worth the fight?
By Administration | September 28, 2007
When is an argument worth fighting for?
Part of being human is causing and experiencing conflict. It’s an unavoidable fact of life that we, as people, have to live with every day. It doesn’t matter what your intentions are or whether those intentions were good or bad. At the end of the day you’re going to argue with, get mad at, or just plain dislike someone. And, as much as we hate to admit it, it’s a fundamental process that’s literally hard-wired into our brains.
The phrase “when is an argument worth fighting for” isn’t technically accurate as not all conflict comes in the form of an argument. An argument is, however, the most relatable type of conflict as everyone will experience one, if not several, throughout the course of a week.
There are many different types of conflict. This article is going to focus on conflict between two people. I’m going to talk about some of the causes and effects of that conflict as well as talk a bit about the underlying psychology.
Causes of Conflict
I’m sure that you can think of a million different things that cause conflict or make someone irritable (and thus cause conflict). Most of those things, however, will fall into a few distinct categories:
Misunderstanding - How often have you said something to someone only to have them misunderstand what you meant by it? The next thing you know you’re in a middle of an argument and you have no idea why. This is usually because you have a very different meaning of something when you say it.
The classic example is when a girl asks her boyfriend if her new shirt makes her look fat and he replies with “no, it’s fine”. “What do you mean it’s fine?” The girl is now thinking that her boyfriend thinks she’s fat. Meanwhile the boyfriend simply meant that the shirt looks just fine- there’s nothing wrong with it.
Has that ever happened to you? What about something similar? Isn’t it amazing how a seemingly harmless sentence can cause so much grief?
Miscommunication - You tell your wife to pick up dinner on the way home and are upset when she arrives with two jumbo salads. Your wife has no idea why you are upset- after all, she did pick up dinner.
This boils down to intent. When you said dinner you meant chinese food or chicken wings. The phrase “if you want something done right you have to do it yourself” stems from miscommunication. The fact remains that your wife did bring home dinner, just as you asked. However, next time that you want chinese food or chicken wings you’re going to have to specify or, just to be certain, get them yourself.
Personality types - Let’s just face it: we’re not all the same. We don’t all have the same ideas, beliefs, or values. Far from it, actually. We’re going to argue over who’s right and why, what should be done and when, or who should back down.
Lack of empathy - Only seeing a conversation or argument from one perspective is probably one of the biggest sources of conflict around. The other parties may feel alienated or unheard which, in turn, just makes them more angry.
Along with the causes of conflict are the psychological reasons why there is conflict. The human brain has been pre-programmed to either “flee or fight” when it’s put in a hostile situation. Your mind quickly assesses your options an decides whether you will stay and fight or if you will turn around and run.
You can feel it happen too- you’re heart starts to beat faster, your legs start to shake a bit, or perhaps your fists clench up. This is the result of your brain releasing more adrenaline into your bloodstream, essentially pumping you up.
Every verbal (and often physical) conflict can be easily resolved if all the parties involved are willing to come to a resolution. If one (or more) of the parties simply doesn’t want the conflict to end it won’t- plain and simple. It won’t matter how hard you try or how many concessions you decide to make; a conflict cannot end without a desire and a willingness to do so on all sides.
Fight On, Or Call It Quits?
Before you decide to keep an argument going you need to figure out if it’s even worth the effort.
Ask yourself:
- Do I have anything to gain?
- Will I hurt the other party/parties involved?
- Is there a point to this?
- Will I actually achieve my desired outcome?
- If you can’t give yourself a straight, honest answer for any of those questions you might find yourself better off to simply let the argument go and be done with it. There’s no point in dragging something on if there’s no end in sight.
Topics of opinion will rarely have a universal ending. People’s opinions are completely unique and, because of this, arguing opinions is like pushing against a brick wall: a lot of effort, but no eventual change.
So, before you go and burn all of your bridges, sit down and decide what it’s worth to you.
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